This is a sensitive topic and it’s difficult to talk about. But I have become desperate, and the two counsellors we have met have not helped much. My wife was a victim of of rape. She informed me when we were dating and I was very patient with her. A very close friend of my father-in-law raped her when she was 12 years. As we speak, the man is in Nsawam prison. He has been there all these years. The mistake my wife’s family made was that they didn’t consult a psychologist for her after she encountered such a traumatic event in her childhood. She became a very timid girl and she kept to herself a lot. She even confessed to me that she developed some fear for men and she couldn’t go to places alone. Unless someone accompanies her, she will not go.
I was the first man to ever date her. Even with that, it wasn’t easy at all. One moment she was friendly and chatty with me, the next, she was a bit hostile and withdrawn. Not wanting to speak to me or any man at all. It took a lot of patience for her to open up to me. The first time we tried to have s*x, nothing happened. She couldn’t get wet and she couldn’t open up to me. I initially thought she wasn’t attracted to me, but she told me about her childhood and I promised to help her. That’s when we went to see our first counsellor. I was paying for it and the truth is that things got better after some months and we were able to have s*x even though it was a tough process.
Because of how delicate the issue was, we were not having s*x often during our dating time. Psychological issues are difficult to treat. The counselling was working, but there were a lot of setbacks too. Long story short, we got married. She didn’t want any form of penetrative s*x during our honeymoon. It was something she decided the moment we got to our hotel after the wedding and I didn’t want to begin the wedding night with a fight so I focused on other things. We went out a lot and had a lot of fun at night, even though she didn’t allow my joystick in her. We did oral stuff and it was quite enjoyable. I would m*sturbate to release the tension when she was okay. After the honeymoon, I took my time with her and waited for her to come around, but she still didn’t want us to do the real thing anymore even though we were doing it during the dating period. All this while, she was seeing a psychologist and there was no progress.
I got in touch with another therapist. Her sessions were more expensive, but I wanted my wife to get better and open up to me so I allowed it. Within the first year of therapy, she started allowing us to have s*x again, even to the point of she getting wet and initiating the lovemaking. Through that, she got pregnant and gave birth to a girl. After giving birth, my wife relapsed. It was so bad that she stopped sleeping by me on the bed. The sight of me disgusted her and no matter what I tried to do, it didn’t work. The therapy sessions went over for almost two years after that and it was the same. So I stopped paying for it and she stopped going. After our daughter’s birth, I went two whole years without having s*x with my wife or with anyone else. She didn’t allow me to touch her, cuddle her or even kiss her.
I remember a day when I was so much in the mood that I got a little persuasive with her. I started removing her clothes even when she told me to stop. Then she started screaming that I was raping her and I stopped. After that day, she stopped sleeping in our bedroom and packed her things into the spare room. I promised to be patient with her, but I couldn’t do it anymore. It was too much for me now, we couldn’t even sit down and talk as husband and wife without quarrelling. I started spending more time outside. When I come home late, she doesn’t care. I started driving around after work, meeting young girls and having s*x with them. Being starved of s*x by my own wife for almost three years affected me. But anytime I sleep with these young girls, I feel guilty and resolve not to do it again.
Then when I go home and try to initiate anything with my wife, she will quarrel with me over it. I don’t know if there are any rape victims on the page. Can rape kill your s*xual feelings to the point where you don’t have s*x for years and you’re okay? Now, our daughter will be 5 in December. My wife and I haven’t done it since she gave birth to her. I want another child. We discussed having at least 3 kids and she agreed to it. I have asked her about trying for another child. She said she doesn’t feel for s*x so if I can agree and pay for an artificial insemination, she will be okay with it. I have the means for artificial insemination. But why should we go through that stress when we can have s*x, enjoy ourselves and make babies in the process? Right now, I am on the verge of divorcing her. My patience has just run out, but I want to know if maybe, just maybe there will be one more way to save my marriage. To make my wife look at me with some love again. We don’t bath together like we used to. We don’t even sleep on the same bed. I still love her, but I don’t think any married man can endure years of abstainance when he sleeps under the same roof with a woman he has married.
It’s very tough. For over five months, I haven’t cheated on her. I don’t like doing it and I don’t want to do it again. But this also means I haven’t had sex. I have told her how much she is punishing me and I just want her to allow me to make love to her. I spoke to her parents about the issue. All they kept telling me was to keep being patient with her and understand what she went through as a child. But I have tried my best. I’m suffering as a married man without affection from the woman I love. Right now the only solution I see is divorce. I have done everything I can do for her. I cannot force her to open her legs for me. I consider myself lucky that I got a daughter from our union. The possibility of her being a lesbian has crossed my mind several times but my wife doesn’t show any signs like that. She just doesn’t like s*x at all, whether it’s with a man or woman. One day, we were quarrelling and she told me that her feelings are dead. She doesn’t feel for s*x for anyone and I’m not the problem.
My people help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. If she cannot change after 7 years of marriage and several years of therapy with two different therapists, I don’t know what else will make her change. I apologize for the long post, but I’m just desperate and I need solutions.