I don’t know what I haven’t done to help me solve this problem but it’s still there. When I was a child, small things used to disgust me a lot and I will be dreaming about something I saw. My younger sister vomited after school one day and I couldn’t keep the site of the vomit off my head. I ended up dreaming that I was being forced to swallow her vomit. Sorry for describing in such details. When I see sweat on someone’s body, I get so disgusted I can’t let the person touch me. The person could be a family member I love and I will still stay away. There was a day I sat in trotro and a very sweaty man rubbed his skin against mine. I immediately felt nauseous and dirty and I had to rush home to take a bath. When I started working, I stopped taking trotro because of this problem until I got my own car. I cannot stand bad smell; I will vomit after smelling it for too long. I cannot use a public WC. Even with the one at home, I have to use tissues to cover the seat everytime I use it. My mother thought it was a spiritual problem. She took me to a prayer camp to deliver me and nothing came out of it.
I am always on high alert for gems or dirty things around me. The two men I have dated left me because of this same problem, yet I can’t help myself. With the first guy, he invited me over. He was really neat and smelled good. It was one of the reasons I was attracted to him. When I entered his room, I was okay. Although a few things were not in order, I was trying to control myself. The moment he tried to kiss me, I backed off and left. He didn’t have a bad breathe or anything, but I couldn’t imagine another person’s saliva entering my mouth even though I loved that guy a lot. After that, we tried again. He said we can do it without kissing, but the moment our bodies touched and I felt sweat on him, I had to stop and go and bath home. I tried to keep him but after my bizarre behaviour, he got tired and broke up with me.
The next boyfriend I got dated me for three years. I told him about my problem early on in our relationship. He promised to help me and he even linked me to an old schoolmate who is a psychologist. I did two sessions with him and I was tired of it. There was no progress. I was very uncomfortable sitting in front of someone and sharing my lifestory to the person. It was really weird so I stopped. My boyfriend then spoke to me to keep going, but I couldn’t. Since he couldn’t do any real intimate thing with me, I sent him videos of myself with no clothes on and he was playing with his joystick. But he got tired of it. He tried to get intimate with me but I stopped it again. He is really hairy. When I felt his hands on me I lost interest and stopped. It’s not as if I am not attracted to men. I am very straight. I don’t like women.
But when I watch two people doing it in bed, I don’t get aroused. I only see how dirty it looks with all the body touching and the saliva. It really disgusts me. But I have a toy I use to pleasure myself and I usually imagine a guy I like when I am doing it. After I am done, I have to take over 30 minutes washing the toy with soap and water or else I will not feel like the gems are gone. This is not something I can share with people around me anymore because the few I have told have looked at me in very strange ways. It’s not as if I am proud or I hate people. I just don’t know why the disgust is so serious.
When I was a child, I couldn’t use the same cup my siblings have used or drink from their bottle. I had to get my own. It has been there since my childhood till now and it has gotten worse. I’m 29 and I am still a virgin because this problem will not allow me to even kiss a man or go beyond that to experience other things. I really need help. I can wake up from bed and be digusted by my own sweat. I have to bathe before I feel okay. Someone shakes my hand and I have to hurry to the washroom to wash my hands with soap. Sometimes I touch a doorknob to open the door and I have the continuous reminder that my hands are dirty. If I don’t go and wash my hands, the feeling will not go. I have stopped buying food outside cos I always see something that will put me off. A housefly, a gutter or something on the seller’s body like a dirty dress. When I buy from the market, I wash my ingredients in soap and water and rinse the soap off before I feel okay. Even the market, I prefer a mall. If not, my sister will do the shopping for me. Some friends say it’s OCD others say is a phobia for gems. Please whatever it is, I just need a solution. Thanks.