My husband and I met at Law school. He did his LLB at Tech and I did mine at UG. We started out as a group of study mates. We were about 8 initially, but our numbers reduced and soon it was just the two of us meeting to study. I fell in love with him easily because he was a very intelligent and outspoken man. Our course was very demanding and it required a lot of reading, but he somehow eased the burden and made it easier. We were called to the Bar some years ago and we have given ourselves fully to the legal profession. We married six years ago and we have a five year old son and a two-year-old daughter.
My husband has a daughter with a different lady. According to him, he had a fling with her in his teens and she conceived. He was careful enough to conceal that part of his life from me during our dating period. If I recall precisely, it was just about a month to our wedding that he informed me about his daughter. He was visibly nervous and he painstakingly chose his words. If my family hadn’t intervened in the mayhem, I would have walked out on him. I don’t want to recount the ordeal I went through during that period, but I was forced to meet his daughter and have a conversation with her. All of these happened 6 years ago, but I’m trying to create a premise for the rest of my story.
I would also like to put this across: My husband is indefatigable and altruistic. In fact, it was his willingness to think of others and the altruism he radiated that made me gravitate towards him. Now the issue is, my husband’s attention span amongst his children is not balanced. His first daughter’s well-being takes precedence over everything in his life; including my kids and our marriage. This is not a mere hunch or a fleeting assumption. He pays her fees before he thinks about paying the fees of our children. I’m capable of paying for the fees of my children. But my husband and I have come to a resolution. He pays the kids’ fees and I handle the utility bills. When it comes to food and expenses, we have sculpted a system that works smoothly for us.
A couple of months ago, my son was admitted in the hospital. He had contracted an infection and my husband knew about it. He chose to attend his other daughter’s opening day at school even when I suggested that her mother can do that. Opening days happen many times but he stared at me deviously, as if I had suggested a vile thing.
As adults who are conscious about raising children at home, our arguments as a couple have been filled with whispers that do not echo beyond the walls of our bedroom. But his excessive love and sentimentality toward his first daughter has created more strained arguments between us and now, his screams erupt at the least provocation and his actions and words towards me during those rather heated moments are counterintuitive. He argues that I am refusing to see reason, but that is not the case at all. I have keenly observed that his baby mama has taken advantage of the situation to extract money from my husband. Her impromptu calls to him with claims that his daughter wants to speak to him or she wants money are enough evidence to prove my point but my husband won’t listen.
I told him we could arrive at a compromise. I wouldn’t mind if my stepdaughter comes to stay with us. At least with that, my husband won’t be divided in making decisions. His rather obnoxious baby mama has vehemently disagreed with this proposed arrangement and she claims that her daughter’s place is with her. The girl in question hasn’t made a decision. She seems to be conflicted by the whole issue and her inability to make a decision has continued to increase the tension between my husband and I. I want to avoid handling this issue through the lens of a legal person. What would you do if you were me?