As a child, I was always more attracted to the females in class and I wasn’t even looking at the guys in the way the other girls did. There were a few times when classmates teased me with a particular guy. It seemed the guy liked me, but I just played along. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t even interested. I don’t know where the tomboyish attitude came from, especially since I only have one brother growing up and three sisters. I never liked dolls as a child and I was always mingling with boys and playing football and chaskele with them.
I have always been drawn to masculine things, so when I entered my teens and I started realizing that I was attracted to the girls, I wasn’t surprised because subconsciously I saw myself as more of a boy than a girl. But I hid the feelings until I went to SHS. My parents didn’t like how I was acting tomboyish all the time. I loved wearing football Jerseys and sweatpants. Those days, I wasn’t even wearing the female underwear. I was wearing boxer shorts and sagging. My parents thought taking me to a single-sex school will change me but it got worse. It was in SHS that I started getting s*xual with girls. It was there that I had my first real girlfriend. We were best friends in public, but we knew what we were doing in secret. A few people may have suspected us because I was always acting like a guy but they never caught us doing anything intimate so we never got into trouble.
I went to a private university after school and I was resident on campus. That was where my lesbian life went into full bloom. My hair was cut short, I compressed my breasts so they will not come out when I wore a shirt. I always wore a cap. I was basically a stud. I met my ex girlfriend on campus around level 200 and we dated through to the very end of school. After school, I broke up with her and I was just hooking up here and there with girls from different places until I met my current girlfriend. She’s 32, I’m 29. She was doing her own job and she was completely independent. She asked me to come stay with her and I moved in with her in 2019. Those in the area knew we were doing ‘supi-supi’ (lesbianism) By this time, my family also knew but they didn’t care anymore. It was more like I was an adult now and they had given up on me.
Through my partner, I got a job at Industrial area and I was packaging things. This guy was showing interest in me even though I was visibly acting like a guy. Sometimes I exaggerate the tomboy attitude to keep guys away. But he just kept getting closer and closer to me and at a point I was really enjoying the friendship. He was one of the few people who knew I was a lesbian and didn’t judge me or look at me in a strange way. In the past, I will go to church and I’ll feel judged from everyone so I stopped going. Because of this, when he invited me to a church program, I told him point blank that he was wasting his time with me. But I don’t know why this guy persisted with me. He wasn’t forceful at all and eventually I told him I will go just once. We went and the fellowship was a small meeting. They were all so loving. Nobody even mentioned how I was dressed and all the tattoos on my hands.
It was a Sunday evening program and as I started going, I started enjoying their friendship. One time I just broke down during the worship period and accepted Christ. Later the guy proposed to me and told me he doesn’t care about my lesbian life. He wants to marry me because I have been made new in Christ. I told him I was with a lady and I will have to break up with her first. When I told my girl that I wanted to stop this lesbian life she laughed at me. We had made vows to each other that this is a marriage. There was no pastor to officiate , neither were there any witnesses, but she acknowledged our union as a marriage. We exchanged rings, but I stopped wearing mine a long time ago. She said she will never leave me and I will never stop being a lesbian.
My new boyfriend rented a place for me and I moved out of my lesbian partner’s house. She has been taunting me everyday. Sending me messages, begging me to come back to her, theeatening to kill herself if I don’t. I have changed my number due to this and blocked her on all social media accounts. But recently, she called again. She has gotten my new number from one of my work colleagues because it was through her that I got the job. Now in the midst of me trying to get away from her, I have changed my dressing and physically I dress more like a lady and I am trying to act like one. The problem is that, I like the friendship between my boyfriend and I. I really care about him and think about his wellbeing a lot. But I haven’t stopped having feelings for women. I still love my partner and it is so difficult to fight this. I thought becoming a Christian will take the feelings away, but I see so many beautiful women around and I get so attracted to them. My boyfriend hasn’t attempted to be intimate with me, but the feelings I have for him are not s*xual. I am scared I will be a lesbian forever and there is no hope for me. To add to all this, my partner also sent me a message that she and I are joined and she has vowed to never let me marry a man for as long as she lives. She is scaring me.