My husband has confessed to me that he is gay. I am experiencing a myriad of emotions right now. On one hand, a lot of things have suddenly made sense to me. On the other hand, I am incredibly confused. I am hurt, I don’t know the way forward. I don’t think he loves me at all or if he ever loved me in the first place. We have been married for 7 years with two children. We have faced a lot of problems during these years. But now in retrospect, I have realised that most of these issues are in relation to his confession. Our first year of dating was not that bad. He used to have a few issues getting an erection and he would close his eyes and concentrate before the erection would come. I didn’t think it was any major issue because my husband is a shy person and I thought it was just the anxiety.
Other times he would make us have anal sex. We didn’t do anal often to be honest because I didn’t like it much, but he liked it a lot. That should have also been a red flag, but I ignored it. After dating for a year, he travelled to Ghana. (We are both Ghanaians who met in the USA) due to work transfer and he lasted there for two years. We were in a distance relationship for the whole of that period. I visited him in Ghana about twice during that period. When we got married, he preferred to have sex in the dark. Maybe he didn’t want to see my nakedness because maybe it didn’t turn him on. All of this did not click at that time. Our problems started when he started denying me sex. I’m sure he was tired of pretending and all he wanted to do was to finger me or have anal with me. I was also tired of anal sex so I refused.
Then he lied to me that he was having erectile dysfunction. We saw a specialist for that. He was given some drugs to help with that, and for a while he was having sex with me until he suddenly said he has stopped feeling for sex so I shouldn’t be worrying him with it. He told me I could get it from whoever I want and that he doesn’t care anymore. I didn’t understand why he will say that. So I kept taunting him. Asking him what the issue was. I knew there was more to it than what he was telling me and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I even thought he was cheating on me with another woman. But I was wrong, his mistress was a man. A man like himself. I would never have imagined that my husband would cheat on me with a man who has the same penis as him. I don’t think I would have ever found out on my own. But at least, he told me. He begged me to keep it a secret. He said I can be with any guy I want to. He wants our marriage to be open so that he can be with his man in secret. He wants us to act married for the kids and our families. He doesn’t care much about the community in Brooklyn. He is free to declare his sexuality here.
The best solution to this issue is to divorce him. But a part of me is holding on to his offer. It doesn’t sound so bad. There are a lot of open marriages here and I feel like my Ghanaian heritage and the culture here in the US is conflicting. I just need diverse opinions to help me make my decision.
