Sexual urges are insatiable. People are very judgmental. Many act as if they do not face temptations daily. I have erred. I’m not even going to attempt to justify my actions. I silently read comments on the page and marvel at how judgemental many of you sound. Yet, it is not in my place to tell you what to do. I just decided to share my own ‘sin’ and possibly find a solution to my predicament. My husband is almost fifty-four and he is not big on social media, so I highly doubt he would come across this. Even if he does, I want to risk it. Many times we are burdened with our shortcomings and we don’t trust anyone enough to share. This for me is a good space to pour my heart out.
I married a man who was 25 years my senior. Everyone told me I was marrying for money, but I insisted I loved him. My relationship to my parents and how much burdened they felt about my dependence on them is a story for another day. They may have opposed the marriage like some elders in the family did if they were good parents, but thankfully for me, their passive attitude fueled my choice of a husband and so they accepted my then fiance. He had the money, they needed his financial resources to ensure that my younger siblings did not become ‘outcasts’ or ‘black sheep’ like my elder brother and I. The two of us were the products of two successive teenage pregnancies just a year apart. My mother and father stayed together because they were forced by their own parents to take responsibility. Anytime they saw my brother and I, we reminded them of their broken dreams. So they never actually loved us. But with my two younger sisters who are ten and 12 years younger than me, they came when my parents had accepted the marriage and settled down. They emerged when my parents where mature enough to nurture them well. So they were their hope. They cherished them. This is why my elder brother left home years ago and we barely hear from him save occasional phone calls.
This is the background I came from. So I chose to love this rich man who didn’t want much but to marry me. For the first time in my life, someone genuinely loved me and showered me with gifts. When we got married, I was 22, and he was close to 48. He practically became the parent I never had. After marriage, we moved to a gated community in Accra. He hired tutors to teach me at home. It was through this that I discovered my love for poetry and writing. This is what I do now. Contrary to popular belief, it’s a full-time career and very serious business. Although Ghanaians do not promote poetry as other countries do. I had a driver to take me everywhere. My husband was very wealthy. I thought I had landed a jackpot. It didn’t take me long after marrying my husband for me to realize that I was looking for a father figure in him. In fact, he was older than my parents who had me when they were both 17. Sexually I wasn’t sure I was attracted to him anymore and I just played my role as a wife and allowed him to have his way with me anytime he wanted it. But I was never satisfied by him. He would lay on the bed and expect me to do all the work. On the few occasions he took control, his thrusts were too weak, and sometimes it was just weird looking into his eyes during the act. I wasn’t in love with him as I thought.
I started looking elsewhere for that love and affection I needed. He came to me at the right time. My driver. He was a University graduate. He was civilized. He was young and he gave me good sex. I was rewarding him additional allowance for his services. I don’t regret any of this. The problem is that my husband and I have been trying for a child for five years. He had low sperm count and we have gone through a lot of treatments over the years. Recently I found out I was pregnant.
The timing of the pregnancy is tricky because I have been having sex with both men. My driver usually uses a condom, but sometimes we just go without it. Although I feel strongly that it’s the driver’s baby, there is a possibility that this baby is for my husband. Our fertility doctor has told us that the treatments are working and he is showing improvements in his sperm count. So I should be pregnant soon if we have sex regularly. Per the doctor’s directive, we were doing just that. Now I wouldn’t have cared much because no matter what happens the baby would be my husband’s. But the driver wants me to abort the foetus. He is certain the child is his. He is certain he could lose his job. He is certain the baby would come out looking very much like him and that would easily give us away. He claims his family line has that effect. He claims they resemble themselves so much that the child would look like him and there would be nothing we can do. What should I do? My husband already knows I’m pregnant. I was so excited about the news that I didn’t think through the possibility that it could be the driver’s seed. What do I do?