I am 40. I have given up hope of ever finding the love of my life. I have been with different variety of men. There were many of them I thought I would marry and spend the rest of my life with. But they disappointed me. They broke my heart and left me. Some of them are married now. I don’t understand why time moved too quickly for me. I feel like I was just a 20-year-old girl having fun and enjoying life and then all of a sudden, I am 40 years. Inching closer to menopause, yet I have no child of my own. I have no husband and I feel like I will take this loneliness to the grave.
As a child, I had always envisioned myself as a mother. I am the first born; the motherhood role came easily to me. I was 10 years before my parents gave birth to my younger sister. Today she is married with two kids. My youngest brother is also planning his wedding. I have stopped attending weddings and outdooring ceremonies because they remind me of how lonely I have become. Relatives keep asking me when I will get married. I endured that during my sister’s wedding and during the outdooring ceremonies of her kids. Now, with my brother’s wedding coming up, I don’t want to go. But he will be offended. I just wish I could explain to him for him to understand.
Now upon all of this pressure I am facing to marry and have kids, I met a man recently. We got to know each other and he has proposed to me. The problem is that he is not my type. Years ago, I would have even said that he was not compatible with me. I know that at 40, I shouldn’t have high expectations now because my chances are slimmer. But he is just not my type. He is too short for me. I don’t like short men. Also, his finances are not that good. I am not looking for a man who I will be feeding. I work and my pay is okay for me. I am not looking for a man who will come and parasite me. I need a rich man to make my life easy and comfortable.
On the other hand I am afraid that if I let this one go I may lose my chance of ever getting married or having kids. It is what I want. The only problem is, that is not the type of man I envision spending the rest of my life with. I know this may sound rude to some of you. But I should not let down my values because I am 40 years old. I have principles. I have preferences and I am not willing to let go of those preferences because of the fact that time is not on my side.
I want to give him a chance but maybe my Mr. Right is still waiting for me and this man is blocking him from approaching me. So I will let him go.