I’m HIV+, well I used to hide it when I was in Ghana four years ago because of the stigma and illiteracy. Recently, I saw the newspaper headlines on social media about the number of HIV cases recorded within six months and I was shocked. The level of carelessness and mere disregard for our wellbeing as young people always baffles me. But then not all the positive cases came as a result of carelessness or a reckless attitude. In my case, I was a victim, a naive victim who trusted my husband for years and never saw any signs that will make me doubt him. The day I realised what had happened and the harm that had been caused, I nearly attempted suicide.
I left a short note to my family to blame my husband for my death. But after writing down whatever it is I wrote, I couldn’t bring myself to hanging myself in the room. I thought about my mother and my family who loved me so much and I just broke down in pain. The years that will follow would be a roller coaster ride that will strengthen me in becoming the HIV advocate that I am today. I got married in 2016, I was 28 years of age and we had been in a relationship for two years. I was working hard to keep my catering start up running and he was a public servant. We were happy, we were in love. We trusted each other as every married couple should.
When we were going to get married, we did a lot of medical checks. We even did that on our own to find out if we were compatible. We knew our genotypes, but we checked them again to be very sure. I got pregnant in the year 2017 and it was through the pregnancy that the doctor found out I was HIV+. Apparently the hospital did tests that I didn’t know of and the doctor claimed I was showing certain symptoms that wasn’t just hormonal so she did all the tests necessary. When she told me, I was so sure it was a mistake that I asked for another test to be done and it came out positive again. I went to another hospital to check and it was the same. I told my husband about my test and after acting innocent and telling me it must have been a mistake, he turned it on me and told me to open up to him if I had cheated on him.
He was gaslighting the whole situation, turning it all on me. I have never cheated on him and he knew it. I encouraged him to go and check his status. He looked at me blankly like he wanted to say something, like he already knew. Then he told me to forgive him. He said he found out just a few weeks ago and I was already pregnant so it wasn’t as if he could do anything about it. He told me he cheated just once, it was with a girl he met at a tour about six months ago. He travelled to Dubai for a few days with a travel and tour company. It wasn’t his first time. It was something he did almost yearly even before he met me. This was for a few days, so I couldn’t object to it because if I did, it will become a fight and I didn’t want that. So my husband went to Dubai, met a girl and had unprotected sex with her.
I was distraught. I didn’t know who to turn to. He couldn’t bare to see me in the pain I was in so he left home and went somewhere I don’t know. He switched his phone off and his own family couldn’t reach him after I told them the cause of our separation. I lost my pregnancy a few weeks after that and this plunged me further into depression until I got to the point where I wanted to end my life so that I wouldn’t feel the pain anymore. Thankfully, my family came to my aid. Cousins and siblings helped me out of the pain. I went through a lot of counselling and I was educated that this is not a death sentence. I started taking ARVs and then I had an opportunity to go to the US through one NGO I started working with.
My advocacy started in the US. I was tired of being silent about my status. When I tell people I’m HIV+, they judge me, especially the African community in the US. But when I narrate my story to them, they feel pity for me. I don’t need pity, I want to educate everyone I encounter that HIV is real. Being married or being in a committed relationship doesn’t guarantee that you will stay negative. How well do you trust your spouse? I’m officially divorced now. My husband has tried to reach out to ask for my forgiveness. But this is the issue with Africans. We hurt people in irreparable ways and we expect that the people will forgive us just because we show remorse. That’s just not it. My ex-husband is on the top of the list of my regrets in life. I don’t know what forgiveness is. I have moved on.
Now my family home in Ghana, I want y’all to take responsibility for your health. Life is too precious. The numbers on the frontpage of that newspaper is incredibly devastating. Education should increase, advocacy should increase. Condoms, Prep and other protective sexual methods should be loud everywhere. Come on folks, enough of the politics, these are issues we need to talk about more. I will be visiting Ghana soon and I hope to add my voice to this call. Stay blessed y’all